One year, rough times, good friends and better days.

"If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today."
-Edmund Burke

A year ago I was getting ready to embark on a year long experience of national service. I was to be working full time but in reality it was more like volunteering full time. I was unsure of what to expect, what I would lose, what I would gain, who I would meet, and who I would lose. I heard over and over again at PSO that this would be one of the hardest years of my life. That it would impact me on a level that I did not understand. It would be hard. But, I really had no idea, but here it is one year later and I feel like a totally different person.

I met some amazing people along the way. The people on my team astound me. When I met them in that training room I wondered, 'how will I fit with these people.' Everyone was so different, we came from different families, different states, different educations, different lifestyles, different generations. We had moments of pure frustration and moments of absolute laughter. We saw teammates pull out, witnessed as we each struggled along and have had some raging successes. I discovered that these people knew better than any of my other friends what I was going through. I was able to look to them for direction. If it wasn't for people like Sarah, Meredith, and Jessi encouraging me I would have never made it. When work got rough my teammates drew around me and supported me and for that I am a better person. I have learned that a family is not always who you are born with but the people who support you along the way.

In the year I have traveled some very dark roads. I seen the walls close in and every day was just another thing to dread. I had to face the facts that I needed help when I discovered that I was thinking about ways to hurt myself so I would not have to go to work. Whoa...rewind...come again? That was a wake up call. I had to admit a certain amount of personal failure and drag myself in to the doctor. I had to be brutally honest, with him and with me. That was not pretty. I left my site of ten months and it felt like a heavy weight was lifted. Was my depression gone? No, but a large portion was gone. With the usage of my medication it continues to ease. Hopefully within the next year I can find myself chemically independent.

It has been longer than a year but this year I have witnessed the loss of my faith. This has broken my heart and driven me to anger and frustration before I threw up my hands. I did what I was supposed too, I sought counsel, I prayed, I studied, I obeyed....and I realized.....that it was making me miserable. All I heard was silence. I was angry all the time. I was miserable. So I walked away. Does it hurt me? Yes....I know some people think I am being lazy, that I don't care. But they are wrong. I look back at who I was and to a certain extent I miss it...but I am happy the way I am. I have lost a lot of friends because of my choices....and I just realized how superficial those people and I were. That our friendships were based solely on our religion....could that be our only connection? It would appear so. This experience has drawn me closer to other friends and flushed out loose friendships and showed me the chance for these friendships to be amazing.

I have developed new passions and rediscovered old ones. I found that self care needs to be my number one priority because if I am not healthy, then I cannot give to other people the way I would want to. I have learned from Maighie, my VISTA supervisor, she is a wonderful example that I look forward to learning more from. I have found that gchat and yahoo games can be a wonderful...well a bearable way...to pass the day. I love making faces in the bathroom mirror and practicing dance moves that will never see the light of day. I have seen friends get married and start beautiful lives. I discovered that I am fairly crafty and I LOVE to create things...goodwill has become my new favorite store. I have seen my family struggle and begin to crumble. I watched my cousin start a new life with a husband and a beautiful baby girl. I fell in love. I made up stories about my upstairs neighbors. I have discovered the beauty of not having a roommate and the joys of a home staying exactly how you left it. I have discovered a new life path that I am so happy meandering along on.

I hope my next year will bring me such joys. Will allow me to develop who I am and who I want to be. I want to be able to look back and be satisfied with where I am and where I am going. I want to be me...and I want to be joyful with me.

"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
-Elaine Maxwell