I found it!!! The gate in this stupid huge wall.

“Until this moment, I never understood how hard it was to lose something you never had.”
-Unknown

As you could tell from my last posting…I was not in a good spot. I was more than a little confused and a lot upset. Part of it was my fault and part of it was not. I had let things get a little out of hand, stop rolling your eyes, because of my fear of allowing myself to come first and upsetting the person who was involved. Mostly because I was scared of what would happen if I stood up for my own feelings, what the reaction would be. The fear of losing the possibilities outweighed the damage I was doing to myself.

That was until last week. We hit a wall, and no not a nice little stone fence that you could easily climb over…nope we face planted right into the friggin’ Berlin wall. And with it looming over me, I knew I could no longer ignore the damage that was happening to me. So, with the help and support of some even stronger women, you know who you are, I was able to say something. Now of course, if you have been with this story from the beginning, you know how much complaining/ wishy-washy/whining/beating myself up ensued before I could say something and then everything that came after.

But I will say that I am glad that I had so many people saying, “Nope. This needs to be the last straw girl.” “You are better than this. You deserve to know.” “I want to drive up and kick him in the ball sack.” The last was my favorite…mostly because I could see the girl doing exactly and then turning around and whacking me, gently…or not so gently, upside the head for being so stupid. Finally, I heard what all my best girlfriends were saying and I could no longer justify my inaction.

And so with my stomach in my throat and my heart feeling like a lead balloon, I spoke up. And while I did not like what the response was, I feel so much better that I was able to get some of this weight off my chest. I finally feel like I can breathe again. And I am not sure what the future has in store for me…or for him…or for our friendship…I hope I can learn from this and from all my girls and stand up for myself. Because I am just now beginning to understand that I am more important than I allow myself to be.

So thanks for sticking it out…and buckle up ladies…things are going to get interesting.

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”
-Anais Nin