this was a rude shock

“A man cannot free himself from the past more easily than he can from his own body.” ~André Maurois

I have been doing a lot on trying to make myself better. To make myself understand that I deserve the best in life. That I have a right to not be scared. That it is okay to express myself the way I see fit. That I have a right to find what makes me happy and live it. To dream dreams that may seem a little outrageous. That I do not have to apologize for who and what I am or who or what I am trying to be. That I can embrace my past and step bravely into my future. That I can find away to securely bind my demons and hold them at bay. That is what I am working on…but recently I got a very rude shock to the system and now my goal to better myself is on slightly shaky ground as I try to find my balance again and figure out where this leaves me.

Someone I care about a lot is in a dangerous spot. She and I were raised very similarly, with an abusive parent that devalued who and what we were. Who made us feel smaller than we had a right to feel. Who used physical intimidation to get their way. Who made it their mission to let us know that because we were not exactly what they wanted WE had failed THEM. Her situation was a bit different and in some ways worst, I had at least one parent who tried to be my champion, she had none.

Unless you have been here you really cannot understand the constant demons that are always there, you can fake that things are okay, and maybe for some that is true. But I know for me…restraining years of training is the hardest thing I have to do every day. And that is why I set out to try and make myself better. Because I am tired of explaining myself and feeling that something is wrong with me.

The problem is that this person has married a man that is terrifying. I met him and watched how he treated her, how he talked to her, how he acted toward her and I felt fear erupt from that deepest part of me. The spot that still tells me to duck when a man makes a sudden movement. The spot that still makes me not be able to look a man directly in the eye for long periods of time. The spot that still makes me feel compelled to apologize all the time to make sure no one gets upset. And in that moment as I saw him for what he was, I became so angry. Mostly for her but a bit for me.

She is an intelligent beautiful woman. Growing up we told each other, this isn’t right. We will not be that woman. We will not be the abused ever again. We will not tolerate someone hurting us in that manner ever again. We have both worked hard to make sure that didn’t, her by bouncing from relationship to relationship and me by steering clear of relationships all together. And now, she is married to a man that is exactly what we said we wouldn’t marry and she kept telling me how much she loved him…and part of me wonders how much she was trying to convince herself. I tried to talk to her but she refuses to see or to hear and all I can do is try and help her. And it breaks my heart and scares me beyond reason.

But, I feel that part of that fear is for myself. If this can happen to her what is stopping it from happening to me. Can I really trust my own judgment? I have tried to talk to friends about it and they say that I wouldn’t tolerate it, but some of the greatest women that I respect have tolerated it. What is stopping this from happening me? My maternal grandmother was abused, my mother was, my aunt was…all of them got away…but not after many years of putting up with it. I am so scared that my past will overcome me and be my own destruction.

I will hope that I can help her. That she can find the strength to see what he is and realize that she is doing something she swore she would never do. That she deserves the best. And I hope that I can truly better myself the way I want and that I will be able to bind the demons that seem to be chasing both of us and that for once I will win. That I can look to those women that I respect and find the actions that led them to be better and follow in their footsteps.

“After you've done a thing the same way for two years, look it over carefully. After five years, look at it with suspicion. And after ten years, throw it away and start all over.” ~Alfred Edward Perlman