They say....

....that time is the only comforter of the loss of a mother.

I would say that the people who say that...can still call their mom.

My life has been going really well lately, even if today I was grumpy.

I have an amazing new boyfriend, who puts up with me and my crazyness. I have amazing friends who support me and who's lives also seem to be moving forward. I am working hard and seeing the product of my work. I have two beautiful people in my life marrying wonderful men this summer and another one of my amazing friends just married a man who seems to have been born just for her, and I could not be happier for them. I am part of a book club that makes me laugh every time we get together. I just met my favorite author and got him to sign a book for me. And in a couple of months I hopefully will have a job that pays a living wage. *fingers crossed*

And for the first time in my life I called my family to tell them about a boy. A boy that keeps me off balance and twirls me in a field of fireflies. (I know...that may seem dramatic but that is how I feel.) And my Dad was excited because he wants me to get married and have kids (surprise Dad I don't want any), my Grandparents told me they would pray for us...because thats my grands and my sister was shocked I could actually get a man, much less an amazing one. And I sat at my kitchen bar and realized how big of a phone call I was missing.

My mom.

This kind of stuff is what you call moms about. You call them about boys who seem to be crazy about you. You call them to share how excited you are that people you love are getting married. You call to share work frustrations and complain about being a grown up. You call to tell them about a book they HAVE to read. You call to talk about how scared you are that you won't find a job. You call to tell them you say the first tulip today and you call to ask how you get a stain out of your favorite shirt. You call to just say thanks for answering your phone mom.

But I can't do any of that. And I usually can suck it up. Power through. I can push myself hard enough that I can ignore the fact that I don't have a mom contact in my phone. But there are times and days when it is so real. And that when I sit for just one quiet moment it swallows me whole and I can't breath and I am left gasping for breath as my heart breaks again. And I know I can't talk to her and she can't give me advice or laugh at a joke of mine. And the worst of it...is I can't remember her very well anymore. And that hurts more than anything....because time is taking her away from me for the second time.

So is a time a comforter? No. It isn't. It just causes me more pain...and I don't see how this will ever get any easier.

" I am not a perfect mother and I never will be. You are not a perfect daughter and you never will be. But put us together and we will be the best mother and daughter we would ever be."
Zoraida Pesante