I miss her today.

You never know how much you rely on your mom until she isn't there to call up. I know I should be used to not having her around, it will be 7 years this Christmas, but I don't see it getting any easier. I have gotten better at blocking the pain, but it still is hard on me. I miss talking about her, the longer I go without remembering her the more she slips away...and the more she slips away the more I realize I am loosing my mom twice. I think it hurts more the second time around, when you can't remember what she sounded like, looked like, smelled like, felt like to hug, how you felt in her presence. Yea...it hurts far more the second time.

She has missed me getting my license, my high school graduation, going away to college, being brave enough to move to another country, graduating college, moving in to my very own place, living on my own terms. She has missed the growing pains, the friendship hurdles, the boy problems, the cooking questions, the laundry questions. She has missed me trying to figure out how to be a woman, how to deal with a family that is falling apart, trying to plot my course for my life. She hasn't been there to answer questions, to give me advice, to guide me, to show me how to deal with my hurdles, or simply to have a completely inane conversation with just because I was bored and had nothing better to do.

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." ~Washington Irving

I just wanted to say I miss her today. Very very much. And to be honest it kind of hurts to breath today. But you know what? That's okay. It is okay for me to miss her and it okay for me to want to talk to her and to be mad that she isn't here for that. It is okay for me to be frustrated by the clouds of dark that I am feeling my way through because I don't have a mom to help me. It is okay for me to want to weep because she isn't there to cheer me on. And it is okay for my heart to break because I don't have someone to stroke my head and hold me and tell me it is all going to be OK.

I don't need any sympathy....I just want people to be thankful for what they have...because I wasn't and now I have a huge hole in my life that makes me wish for one more hour, just one.