She is never there...

"No one in the world can take the place of your mother."
-Harry Truman

I have been doing really well lately. I have had my up days and my down. That is typical. I have been dealing with some stuff, life stuff, that isn't a big deal but because it has happened all at once is a big deal. Today has just been a nightmare, dealing with grown up stuff I would rather not deal with.

My work is having a welcome potluck tomorrow during lunch for me tomorrow and I am in charge of desserts and I am sitting on my very cool stools I redid and just chilling waiting for my cupcakes to come out of the oven and the whole of the day just overwhelmed me. When it came up and swallowed me it was gulped up by an even bigger fish, missing my mom.

It is so frustrating to me. Here I was doing so well, laughing with friends, writing, baking...doing the stuff I really love to do and out of now where I get side swiped but it all. I have people who tell me it gets easier with time. They lie. I know this. And most days I can push aside my pain. I can deal with it. I can even thrive with not having her.

Then it just sucks me in and I disappear under the weight of the pain of it all. Under the fact that I can't call her when life is being a pain and I want to turn in my grown up card. It is so frustrating to be so mad at God still. I just want to yell at Him. Doesn't he realize a girl needs her mom. Guess not...because here I am without my mom.

The worst part...I get so tired of feeling this way. I am tired of missing her. I am tired of complaining about it. I am tired of no one really understanding what it is like. I am tired of not having MY mom's advice. I am just tired.

"The mother is everything-she is our consolation in sorrow, our hope in misery, and our strength in weakness. She is the source of love, mercy, sympathy, and forgiveness. He who loses his mother loses a pure soul who blesses and guards him constantly."
-Kahlil Gibran