Do you ever feel like you aren't enough?

“You are what I never knew I always wanted”

I have decided that I want to get to the point I can say this about myself. That I can look myself in the mirror and say, "there you are...where have you been?!"

I think my very best talent is the ability to recognize that I am not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not pretty enough, I certainly am not skinny enough, I am not sophisticated enough. I am just not enough.

And I wonder how did I get to this point...why do I allow myself to be like this. Why do I allow myself to say that I am not enough?! I know the media has a lot to say about who I am, where I should be, who I should be dating...well okay not me but every single one of the 23 year old females in the US should be doing. But I have NEVER ever fit the mold...and I don't know why I fight so hard against who and what I am...

I am not a huge girly girl...sure I like to get all gussied up from time to time but in the long run I will always choose jeans and flip flops. I like to get dirty. I like smelling like campfire after a long weekend. I like guys who are a little more rough and tumble. I like art and music but I don't care about the names of the artists or what movement it is. I love feeling the recoil of a rifle against my shoulder much more than I enjoy walking a mall for hours on end. I like watching action movies instead of the girly movie. I have a love/hate relationship with my skin. I am sometimes a little strong willed. I'm not as strong as I think. I am in love with chocolate. I like my hair long and I like my glasses. And no...I'm not hiding from anything. I feel to much and I eat to much. And I know I don't fit in to a nice and shiny mold. That I don't look like the other girls out there and I need to know that is okay. I NEED to be okay with that.

I look at the women in my life that I respect the most. The women I would give my left toe to be more like. And I realize that they don't fit in any nice shiny molds either, and I wonder...do they ever feel like they aren't enough? Do they feel that because they don't fit the mold that there is something wrong with them. And that thought makes me SO mad. Because these women...YOU women...are beyond amazing. You are beautiful, funny, smart, unique, powerful and oh so strong. You are talented and you see the world in a way that is different than what we are told.

So knowing that is how I feel about you...why cannot I not feel that way about me. Why when I am surrounded by such amazing women do I feel that I am still not enough. I think it comes down to years of listening to other people, people who really don't mean anything. And then practicing what THEY are preaching. And I have never been one to go along with the flow. So maybe I need to stop listening to what they are saying and tune into what these amazing women are saying. And focus on what I am saying and see that I am enough. And that I will always be enough.

"We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies." ~Roderick Thorp

Maybe I cannot see right now how to be my own best friend because I am focused so strongly on how to be my own worst enemy, so I asked my real life best friend what are three things she sees about me that she feels I don't see about myself and this is what she said:
(in her words)
1. that you are beautiful inside and out every single day.
2. that you deserve the best in everything. You are not broken like you say you are sometimes.
3. you are by far the best friend anyone could ask for.

So maybe I just need to stop saying that I am not enough and focus on what she is saying to me. Repeat it like a mantra. Try and live those things. And then maybe I will see what she sees and see that I am enough.

And if any of you, my beautiful friends, need your own mantra, your own three things...let me know...because I have more than three things about each and every one of you. Because you...yes you...are more than enough.