" Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway." ~Emory Austin

I have a friend who has been keeping vigil at Emanuel with her family as her sister fights for her life, and I went and sat with her for a couple hours today. It brought back a rush of memories of my own family's vigil kept in hospital a long time ago. It reminded me that now I don't remember what the doctors had to say or what the names of the nurses were, all I remember are the people. I don't remember conversations and I don't remember the days or the nights. I distinctly remember the people. The ones who came, not for her, but for me, for us. The ones who sat for hours. The ones who reminded us that we needed to eat. To take a walk. That it was okay to cry and it was okay to laugh.

I distinctly remember sitting in the family waiting room, well laying really, with my best friend. We had only been friends for a couple of years at that point. But we had already been through more than two teenage girls had any right to go through. And I remember just laying there staring at the ceiling and just talking and laughing. I couldn't tell you what was said but I remember her. I remember her mom and her coming and taking me to shower and feed me. She made me her french fries, the ones I loved so much. And then understood when I wanted to eat them in the car on the way back to the hospital because I didn't want to be gone for to long.

And I realized that no one likes to keep those vigils. No one likes to hear that someone they love has to sit by and do nothing. And maybe we steer clear of the hospital waiting rooms because we are scared. Scared we won't know what to say or do. Scared we will be infringing. Scared that it will touch our lives to directly.

But you know what I say to that. I say that in the end, it won't matter what is said or done, because none of that will be remembered. The faces. The hugs. The tears. The laughter. That is what is remembered. And in the end that is what matters.

I guess I was sucked in to the whirlpool today, with all this flashing back to that moment, because I like a fool decided to watch not one...oh no...TWO movies about women who fought cancer. I swear sometimes I wonder if I am crazy or not. ha.

I sat on my couch huddled under my big comfy blanket and mopped at my face with tissues and nodded and said my amens to the women as they moved across my screen. And I realized that these actresses, these women who were portraying real life women, they were saying things I agreed with. Fears. Anger. Frustrations.

I am scared that if I ever get it again that people will walk away. It happened the first time, but would I be strong enough to have it happen again. I am flawed and unlike a lot of women my flaws are on my skin. What man, a man in his right mind, want a woman who's skin is flawed beyond beauty. Who's very skin is the enemy. I am scared that I wouldn't be strong enough the next time, that I will lose. That people will have to keep vigil as they wait for me to go. I am scared I won't get to do what I want. That I will die alone. That I won't make it to be an old woman.

I am pissed off that this is something I have to think about at 23. I am annoyed that people tell me that I shouldn't think of the what ifs, because the what ifs are something I have to prepare myself for as I try and thrive in my life. I am scared that saying my fears aloud will make the cancer come back. I am angry that I have no one to talk to about this. I am tried of always feeling like I have to be strong, but so scared that if I lean on someone that they will walk away when they hear what I need. I am pissed off that this is my life, but so happy that I won the first time. That carries me through.

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
~Dr. Seuss

So even though I sit here in tears and wish I had someone to lean on. I can take one thing I learned from my mom. Never look away from the sun. It will lead you from darkness.